We Play Full Out with Bart and Sunny

People Need People - A Reflection on Being Real, and Finding Our Way Back to Each Other

• Bart and Sunny Miller • Season 1 • Episode 100

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What if the cure for our quiet loneliness isn’t a better post but a braver presence? We trace the arc from early internet wonder to today’s highlight reels and ask what was lost along the way: long talks, shared spaces, and the unedited textures that make friendship real. As we swap stories (from pen pal illusions to campfire nights where everyone smells like campfire smoke) we explore why energy lands differently in person, why safety softens the nervous system, and how community becomes medicine when no one has to perform.

Together we unpack the difference between performing connection and practicing it. We map the traits of true friends: kind truth over flattery, reciprocity without scorekeeping, presence that remembers details, and the courage to sit with discomfort instead of fixing or fleeing. We also get honest about the inconvenient parts of showing up and how to move past avoidance with small, repeatable behaviors that build trust. Expect practical criteria for choosing your circle and clear steps for becoming the kind of friend you’re looking for.

If you’re craving depth, start by modeling it: ask better questions, listen all the way through, reach out first, and tell the truth about where you are - wins and mess included. We share why these simple moves attract people who value growth, celebrate your evolution, and stand beside you when life gets tender. 

Ready to trade curation for courage and widen your capacity for real connection? Press play, then subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick five-star review to help others find their people.

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SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to We Play Full Out with Barton Sonny Miller. Take it away, Sonny.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, when the internet first came out, it really took the world by storm. Um, we were newlyweds, I remember, when we were able to get online for the first time. And it was really pretty mind-blowing. And at first, you know, it was just like you can log in and maybe buy some stuff or look at some websites. But then when Facebook came out, and I know there were other things, what's the there was the music platform?

SPEAKER_01:

MySpace. There were MySpace, I think is what it was.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. When Facebook came out, it just it really took things up a notch. Um, I remember like a high school friend, I think, invited me to join Facebook, and it seemed like such a great way to foster connections that were far away and kind of long lost. Like, here's all my old high school friends, and we can stay in touch and see what each other's doing, you know, even though they're clear across the other side of the United States or the world or whatever. It was really pretty cool.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah, it was the next level of pen pals.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, for real. Um, and then you had the photo options and you had all these fun things, but it was it was really, really real. Like I look back on my post when Facebook came out at first and it was so funny. It's just like, wow, I cooked this for lunch today, you know, type of stuff. It wasn't anything fancy. Yeah. Um, of course, Twitter, Instagram, all these platforms came out and started to call for our attention, and highlight reels kind of became the way of doing things online. So somewhere along the way, we kind of learned how to perform connection instead of practicing it. Like we have been so good about learning how to post updates without letting anyone see what's actually happening in our lives. How to show wins without sharing the cost of them. We stopped going out with friends or calling each other in lieu of text messages or late night Netflix streaming. I mean, COVID really got the streaming going to where we didn't go to the movies anymore, you know. Bowling alleys are empty, like things are empty. People are just staying home and streaming. Um, we stay engaged with our screens, but not nature. And we learned how to scroll, react, comment, and like, and still feel profoundly alone.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I would even add gaming into this. I see a lot of kids, and I'm not saying it's good or it's bad, you know, judgment-wise, like I see like our teenage son gaming all night long. He's connected, he's with his friends, he's laughing, you know. They're they do have some social interaction going on, but it's not in person.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's most definitely not in person. And I think what the the hard part, I had to learn this kind of the hard way, and so I'll share a lesson here. Um, I'll never forget. I uh I got a letter when I was living in Japan from this person, and they they wrote me a really awesome letter. And we be we got to where we were writing back and forth, and we did this for two years. And I honestly thought, wow, I have a connection. This person is beautiful, they're talented, all the things. But I'd never met them in person. But I knew, I really honestly man, I I thought I knew them pretty well, which then anyway, to make this long story short, I got home. We literally met three times in person, and it was like we were the best pen pals, yeah, but we were horrific for each other together, and it just we we think that they're the same in so many ways, but they're so different. You see, that's like energetically in person, there's just something different about that versus I've analyzed it a lot, and I think what you're bringing up is it's really interesting because emotionally we would share emotions and we would say things in letters we wouldn't say face to face. And now, why? Still to this day, not quite sure, but I think it was because we hadn't learned to interact with each other. I think there if time was, you know, longer, more time, more energy put in, da da da da, maybe. But at the end of the day, just the way people are, when when you let's let's just let's just say it this way. So if if you were to grab somebody that you really don't know that well and you've communicated with them, they communicate really well. You say you're gonna take a road trip, they put their clothes in your your rig, you you start on the road, all of a sudden they're throwing trash all over in your car. All of a sudden, they're they put their clothes all over and you're really neat. It doesn't matter how well you communicate. Yeah, you're you're just different when you're in, you you find a different level in a human being when you're in person with them. And I think that's the thing that we miss so much is that connection of just like even somebody reaching out, holding your hand, even somebody opening the door for you, even sitting at dinner and having a conversation while they teach you how to do something or whatever. I mean, there's just those things that you just you can't have if you're not in person.

SPEAKER_00:

I agree. So I would say, like, from a world perspective, we've never been more connected.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

But so many people are quietly carrying grief, confusion, exhaustion, doubt, and longing without a place to settle down. Yep. We're seeing this more and more and more. It's like people are always carrying something that we do not know about unless you're a real friend to them.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and I think here's the other part, I'll just bring this up because it just hit me, but like, because we were we were doing some stuff last night. We don't realize how much we crave other people's energy. And we don't always get that when we're connected from a remote distance, and we don't understand it. So I think this is a really good topic.

SPEAKER_00:

And from the outside in, it's like we admire, like, and you know, I've done this in in our business meetings or inner circle meetings, like you see people online and you admire them, and you think they've got it all together, and everything is so great. Then you get into these um kind of close meetings. What's the word I want? Like, yeah, intimate. Maybe there's 20, 25 of us there, and you find out they're questioning everything. Yeah. You know, they're like holding themselves together by a thread a lot of times, and you have no idea.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

The couple who look so aligned might be navigating something fragile and tender. I remember that was a big thing when Rachel Hollis and her husband suddenly divorced. Right. But from up until that point, they've been saying how great their lives were together, you know? Um, the person who irritates you just might be deeply lonely. Yep. And we don't see those things because our relationships have become thin. Now they're I think they're wider. I think we know more people, but they're not as deep.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Um and they're constant, like they're constantly in front of us, but that doesn't always require our presence the way in-person does.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

So being human was never meant to happen through curated squares and highlight reels, right? You know, that was a big thing, is like um Pinterest was a big thing when I was a young mother. And it became such a big thing to like throw the Pinterest birthday party for your child, you know, and it had to be Pinterest worthy, and your food has to be Pinterest worthy, and like all of your clothing has to be Pinterest worthy, you know. It like we we get so caught up in the performance that we forget what we're actually there for.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, no, it's true. It's uh it's an interesting thing, you know. Like there's so many stories I could bring up, you know. Like, I've brought up one of my friends, Hank, before, but you know, I'll never forget when we're doing a big long bake bike race one time, and Hank showed up and we we figured out it was gonna rain, you know, and I was prepared for it. He wasn't quite prepared for it, but you know what? He's got garbage sacks and put them around his legs and didn't freaking care. And as as being in person and being around that, it was just so funny. But he most definitely wasn't Pinterest worthy. But guess what? We had the time of our lives, and I think it's funny because I think what we're really seeking is what you're saying here is authenticity and realness. We want to understand people real, but as we've grown as human beings, it's hard for us to be real and authentic, even with our significant others, even with because we've lived a facade for so long trying to be everything that we think we need to be for the outside world that we've forgotten it's okay and the outside world really doesn't care.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say is like we've adapted because we like had to in this environment of all of a sudden our lives are on screens all the time, and you know, survival is not nourishment.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, so we we've really become I think lonely. Like a lot of the people like we bring into our circle, they're just lonely. They're like searching for community, they're searching for friendship. Um, it's scary to be vulnerable, but at the same time, like we want to be seen, but you can't be seen without being vulnerable, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I'm gonna brag about us, but I mean, our event, our I Do Epic Live event, which by the way is May 28th through the 30th. If you're listening right now and you're interested in it, but everybody that comes to our event, literally, the number one thing is I found family. Yeah, I can be real. I mean, and we really encourage when you get there, you're camping. It's like girls' camp, boys' camp for adult entrepreneurs having fun. And we do not want you to be perfect. No, we want you just to come and have fun, right? And network. And it just really is so awesome because everybody sits around the campfire and gets smoke in their hair. Oh, and it stinks like a campfire and all the fun stuff. But we we just literally connect on a human level, and I think that we need more events where we're connecting on a human level as much as we are a business level.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. That's kind of what we're getting at today is like uh friendship is really just kind of becoming a lost art. Like, like you said, it's hard to show up. You know, this morning we were on a call uh with your with our Daily Momentum masterminded. Brenda, who we love dearly, shows up and you know, she's not wearing any makeup. Like maybe your hair hasn't been brushed today or whatever. But it's like so refreshing to just see someone show up as they are.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Like it's a breath of fresh air.

SPEAKER_01:

Honestly, and that's the beautiful part about the ladies that are on that call. Yep, 99% of them show up. They just however they are, wherever they're at, yeah. They don't, it's not that you don't care. I don't mean that.

SPEAKER_00:

I they are just like they're there to be real, they're not there to perform that I don't care.

SPEAKER_01:

And nobody else, we don't care. We love them for who they are, no matter what. Yeah, I mean, literally, we want them to show up as their authentic self, whatever that looks like. Yeah. And it's freaking awesome that they feel safe enough to do that.

SPEAKER_00:

That is that is the big thing, right? Safety.

SPEAKER_01:

Heck yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um yeah, because uh kind of going back to friendships becoming a lost art, it it asks something of us to be a true friend.

SPEAKER_01:

It sure does.

SPEAKER_00:

It it's not something to be taken lightly.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

Um I know there's like a handful, maybe there's more than I realize, of people that like we could call at two o'clock in the morning on the side of the road, 10 hours from here, and they would like drop everything to come and rescue us if we needed rescued.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, that asks something of people.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um so you know, we've got to be able to listen instead of just waiting to speak all the time to show up when it's inconvenient. That's a hard one for me sometimes. I'm gonna say right now, like, like I want to show up and I want to be a friend, but as soon as it's inconvenient, it's hard for me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You seem to handle it better than me.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know about that.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I'm always glad when I do, and I'm so grateful that I did. Yeah, sometimes getting myself there, it can be tough.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I think in my life, I've been picked on a lot for being friends with a lot of people. Because people around me don't understand what friendship means and looks like. So I've kind of been actually a little bit bullied, including with my own family and things like that, because like you said, it it's friendship isn't just saying you're a friend, it's being a friend. It's literally being a friend and listening and showing up when you shouldn't and texting somebody when you don't need to, and caring about them. It's a lot like being married, and I take it really serious, you know, and uh anyway, not to get on a rant, but I think what you're saying is so so critically important that w it it it it can be tough, but you wouldn't not show up for your own kid for a basketball game when it's not tough. You just do it, yeah, and when you take on that and you look at it from a different I don't want to say necessarily paradigm, but a different framework, it becomes very easy because you know at the end of the day it's because you love them.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I would, you know, like trying to articulate my thoughts here on the fly, but one of the things I love about Are We Playful Out group, like all of our groups, honestly, I think they're all the same across the board, is that there are so many different belief systems and ways of thinking and ways of living, and there's just no judgment among any of us. It's like that that's what I'm getting at is like being a true friend is being able to not just hold a space but celebrate that with other people.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, it like it goes deep in your soul when you can show up for somebody, love them, even though their beliefs may be 360 from yours, totally, but still celebrate that and like encourage them and want them to be successful in what they're doing.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So kind of going back to friendship, like you don't find deep friends by accident. It is something you put work into and time into. Um, so if you're craving more depth, more realness, more actual support in your life, which is holding the hard stuff, but also celebrating the good. You know, we find a lot that people have a hard time even celebrating their wins because they don't have any friends to share them with.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

You know? So maybe kind of start to look out for people who tell the truth kindly, for example. Um, those people aren't enablers, they're not gonna say sweet things, they're gonna be kind because they love you and they're gonna maybe hold you to a certain standard. If you know, I guess if you choose to be healthy, I don't know how to say that right, but like you don't let me get away with some things because you know that I'm capable of more. That's what I'm getting at.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, look for people who celebrate We're gonna demand excellence. Demand excellence. I demand excellence from you, Bart Miller. Little inside joke. Okay, look for people who celebrate your evolution, not just your past. And this can be very difficult as well. A lot of people we surround ourselves with are comfortable with where we're at, but they're not comfortable if we're growing in a different direction. Yep. Or maybe if we're expanding past what their comfort level is. So, you know, you kind of have to find people who can hold that as well. Um, look for people who can sit with discomfort. These are the people who don't rush to fix, judge, or change the subject when things get real.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Maybe they're not avoidants. I'm laughing because I was I'm a past avoider. Like I'm what's the word I want? Recovery. Look for people who understand what you're building and why it matters, even if it's not their path. So these are the kind that are gonna ask thoughtful questions instead of offering empty praise or unsolicited advice. Is there anything worse than like telling somebody like what you're doing in life and um they kind of praise you, but you know they're not listening to you at all and don't really care? Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I yeah, it's the worst. Yeah. Because they're not connected, they're just there. Yeah, they're just there. Going through the motions.

SPEAKER_00:

Um look for reciprocity. So healthy friendships don't keep score, but they do feel balanced. Support should flow both ways over time. So not transactional, but like we're there for each other, we got each other's back type of thing. Uh look for presence, someone who puts the phone down, who remembers what matters to you, who shows up when they say they will. And then, of course, just as important is to be that person. So, you know, intentionally start asking deeper questions. Listen all the way through, reach out instead of waiting. Um, I think that's a big thing. It's like uh we find, you know, if you really want true connections, sometimes you have to reach out a lot. You know, people aren't accustomed to doing it these days. I don't feel like, you know. Be the one who tells the truth about where you actually are, which can be a very hard thing, both the struggles and the wins. But the point is you don't attract depth by demanding it, you attract it by modeling it. And community, community, community. Community is medicine. It really is. Um, there's something profoundly regulating about being in a room where you don't have to perform, just like you were talking at our I do Epic Live event. It's like everybody can kind of just exhale.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

Their shoulders drop and they know that their story doesn't shock anybody. You know, we had a really good conversation in our group the other day where I don't know that that conversation would happen anywhere else. You know, it's a safe container where people can be themselves, they don't feel like they're too much or not enough, you know, and we're all there to say, tell us more about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. You know, yeah, and that that's the thing that's interesting is that when conversations that get hard or different, a lot of people want to run and avoid. And our group wants to lean in and say, let's listen.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

We don't know that you're right or wrong, but we have two ears and one mouth. So let us let us have it. And you know, it's really fun to work through those things and just challenge each other and call each other out and really have fun. So I'm grateful for it.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a beautiful thing, and you know, I think overall, especially in community like this, our nervous systems do soften and our hearts do open up our defenses lower because they don't need to be so high anymore. And we remember who we are, we remember what's possible. And that is not self-help, that is just being human. That's awesome. The real way to be human. Yep. It's a beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Sure is.

SPEAKER_00:

So I guess for today, a quiet invitation would be first of all, if you're feeling disconnected, you're not alone. I think it's actually a cultural movement. Like that's just kind of what's happening in the culture today. And you don't fix it by trying harder to be impressive. You fix it by being brave enough to be real. So start to intentionally choose depth over convenience. Just start to do these things we talked about. I mean, we talked about uh what you should look for in a deep friendship. Start just start by being that person. Even if it's one little task or one little, what's the word I want?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Something small every day.

SPEAKER_01:

I think the biggest thing to do is if you're listening to this and you're saying to yourself, I don't know if I'm a good friend, or I'm a really great friend, or I don't know if I'm lost in this, is just really analyze yourself. And if you have a problem, just like in any recovery program, tell people you got a problem.

SPEAKER_00:

There you go.

SPEAKER_01:

And you want to fix it and you want some help to fix it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And guess what? People will say, Awesome. I'm looking for a friend too. Let's do this together. And that's the most amazing part is just finally admit you're tired of being, for no better word, you're not authentic self. And just say, you know what? I want to live authentically. And do it.

SPEAKER_00:

I love it. There you go.

SPEAKER_01:

Awesome. So is that kind of the wrap-up for the day?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, cool. Well, thank you for everybody that reached out and uh for my birthday. Super, super amazing of you. I couldn't uh have more gratitude. So thankful for all of my friends, the people who do really care. Like Sonny said, we have so many people that at a drop of a hat would do so much for us. And uh super grateful for that. Um, also, if you have one of these uh podcasts that you want to share with somebody, we would be grateful for that. Please give us a five-star review. That is the fastest way for us to grow our podcast and for people to get to know, like, and trust. Sonny and I, if you're interested in any of our cultures or things that we do or different things like that, reach out, get involved, quit telling yourself that you don't need to be involved. Just get yourself involved, get in part of our communities, and let's rock and roll together and change all of our lives together. So, with that, this segment brought to you by I Do Epic.

Head Shot

Bart Miller

Host
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Sunny Miller

Host