We Play Full Out with Bart and Sunny

A Hidden Story is Being Told About You Every Day...

• Bart and Sunny Miller • Season 1 • Episode 79

Share episode

There’s a peculiar kind of illusion we all fall into: the belief that because we think a certain way, or feel a certain emotion, that must be who we are.

In this episode, Sunny and Bart explore the powerful illusion of identity we all fall into: the belief that our thoughts, feelings, or intentions define us. But in reality, it’s our actions that tell the world (and ourselves) who we truly are.

They dive into:

  • The psychological gap between self-perception and behavior
  • Why your daily habits may be writing a story you never intended
  • A practical 3-step tool to bring your actions back into alignment with who you want to be
  • And the tough love truth: your results don’t lie

If you’ve ever felt stuck, off-track, or like you’re living on autopilot, this conversation will help you wake up, realign, and start writing a story you actually want to live.

----

Not getting our weekly We Play Full Out newsletter with Bart and Sunny delivered to your inbox? You can get it right here: https://www.weplayfullout.com

----

Inject Rocket Fuel Into Your Life and Go Further, Faster! Join I Do Epic - the World's #1 Unfair Advantage for High-Achieving Entrepreneurs:

Start Your Free 7-Day Trial Here: https://idoepic.com

----

👉🏻 Follow Bart on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/bartallanmiller_

👉🏻 Follow Bart on TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@businesscoachbart

☀️ Follow Sunny on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/sunnylynnmiller

☀️ Follow Sunny on TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@sunnylynnmiller

Speaker 1:

Welcome to. We Play Full Out with Bart and Sunny Miller.

Speaker 2:

Take it away, sunny. You know, bart, there's a peculiar kind of illusion we all fall into, the belief that because we think a certain way or feel a certain emotion, that must be who we are Right. So quite a few years ago I read the Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis, the what tape letters, the Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis.

Speaker 1:

The what tape letters.

Speaker 2:

The Screwtape.

Speaker 1:

Letters Wow.

Speaker 2:

It's actually, yeah, it's interesting. Look it up sometime, okay. But one story in particular lodged itself into my mind. I've never been able to forget it. In the book, a man prays daily, daily, for his aging mother. He believes himself to be so righteous and loving, he's just filled to the brim with concern and care for his mom, but then in his actual life, he avoids her, he resents her, he criticizes her under his breath and he offers her no help. Yet the fascinating thing is he feels extremely holy because he thinks about her often and constantly speaks to God on her behalf.

Speaker 2:

So Lewis used this story to highlight a dangerous truth, and that is that the easiest person to deceive is ourselves, especially when we substitute intention for action.

Speaker 2:

And you know, I think as humans, it's startling to realize that it is our actions that actually define us. Because, like I can't read your mind, I don't get to walk into your head and see your hopes or dreams or anxieties, so all I can really do is observe what someone does. And this way, our actions are the only thing that defines us to others. And you know, like I like to say a lot of fancy words, I have lots of plans and visions, but at the end of the day, words are easy to speak, but it takes a sacrifice of energy to implement. To push past the naysayers out there in the world, but also our own naysayer inside of us. You know, we have apathy, lethargy, self-doubt, anxiety, depression and fear. And, if we're honest, sometimes what we do does not line up with who we say we are. So question for you have you ever believed you were showing up one way, but your actions told a completely different story?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for sure. I mean, I used to do this in the church all the time. I mean I would profess and, you know, want to be at a certain level. You know I wanted to show up and I wanted, and I wanted, and I would even tell myself a lot of times that I was, but for you, my actions were just not there, you know, they just weren't there.

Speaker 1:

And I didn't realize that my actions weren't there because in my mind, I was there, you know, and I was like I'm doing all the things I'm, you know, da, da, da, da, da. And then you'd be like, well, show me. And then you'd be like, well, show me, I'd be like dang. So I was doing a lot of talking there, but I wasn't showing a lot of action.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I've experienced this in my own life. I've said I value deep connection but have chosen distraction when I've had a chance to connect, I remember kids being maybe in the kitchen or whatever, and I'm making dinner and I have my phone propped up and I have Netflix on. They're sitting there. I could have had a conversation with them or whatever. That's just one example. I've claimed to be disciplined but then build my schedule around comfort instead of growth. That's so easy to do.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2:

There's one incident I just really remember distinctly and we were at a small event in california and I don't know why I even thought to zoom out on myself, but in my mind, like at events, I'm kind of in the forefront of things, I'm participating, I'm chatting with people, like I'm showing up yeah and for some reason I don't know if this story was on my mind at the time or what, but I kind of zoomed out and looked at my actions and I realized I sat kind of mostly in the back, didn't really participate that much and really only talked to people if I had to.

Speaker 2:

And I know it sounds crazy, but it was just such a I don't know rude awakening for me to be like whoa, what I think I am and what I am are two very different things, and I think it would be a pretty shocking discovery if I looked at my calendar, my bank statement or my screen time, I might see someone different than the identity I've imagined for myself. I might see someone different than the identity I've imagined for myself, and this is not a moral feeling per se, it's a human one. Most of us are not aware of the gap between our intentions and our actions until we step back and look at the evidence. So why do you think we confuse our thoughts and feelings with who we are, rather than letting our actions define us?

Speaker 1:

I think, because a lot of times now I could be off on this, but I think a lot of times it's because someone else is putting in the action and we're observing it and we feel like we're part with them. So like in a company, for example, you know, we think we're doing so well, but somebody else is actually doing it and so we feel like everything's moving forward, but then when we look at ourselves, we're not participating in full out with that action. And I see this a lot in relationships, I see it in all sorts of different things. But and once again it's something I say you know how many million times I've said this but number one thing you need to do is just watch somebody's actions, never listen to their lip service, because it only takes a short period of time and they will tell the truth about themselves.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I was kind of thought that was somewhat of a harsh statement. And then you know, stepping back it's like whoa. There's a lot of truth to that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah Well, my father was that way and you know things like that. He said you can always tell the most about somebody by just observing. And you know it's like, how do we say it? You know we got, you've got one mouth, two ears. You got one mouth, two eyes. So it's easy to give lip service, you know, but it's it's way harder to take action and do stuff.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know, I remember post a while too from Brett Manning, who's a singing coach, and I think it just kind of basically asked people, you know, if they were pursuing a music career or if they wanted to be singers. And so many were like yes, yes, yes, I'm pursuing, I'm pursuing, I'm pursuing. He's like, well, what are you doing about it? Like, are you setting up gigs, are you calling people, are you getting on stages? And it was astonishing how many were not In their minds they were pursuing it, but their actions didn't show that. So psychologists have studied this phenomenon for decades. The term cognitive dissonance describes the internal tension we feel when our actions don't align with our values, and I think that's when we start to justify as well. Another concept is the intention behavior gap, which refers to the common struggle of wanting to change but not following through. I get stuck in this one. It's like I want to. I honestly want to, but it's hard sometimes.

Speaker 1:

Yeah Well, I think that the hardness in it is and I don't mean this, mean in any way for anybody, but they we can want all day long. It's like sign up for the race and then having to show up. You've got to absolutely commit and not look back.

Speaker 2:

And you know you were kind of in a discussion earlier too you really have to believe you're the identity of what you're wanting to become. So you know we intend to be fit generous or bold, but our habits quietly tell a different story, and sometimes even worse.

Speaker 2:

our brain is wired to protect our identity, even if it's inaccurate. The false consensus effect convinces us we're doing better than we are because we surround ourselves with thoughts, not evidence. So do you feel like a person's intentions can ever outweigh their actions, or do actions always win in the end?

Speaker 1:

Well, I'll give you an example. You know there's, there's. I've been in a situation one time I'll never forget. I was with this person, I lived with him, and they're like I do the laundry all the time. I was like, oh, that's awesome, because I feel like I've done it a lot. So they're like no, no, no, I do it at least 80% of the time. Like that's really cool. I'll never forget this guy. So I'm like, okay, I'm not going to do the laundry, I'm just going to let it sit for a month and just find out, cause if you do it 90% of the time, yeah, it should be done.

Speaker 2:

Should be done.

Speaker 1:

Even if it's 85%, yeah. So I just decided forget this. I measured out how many clothes I had and knew what I was going to wear, cause his intention was that he was really clean. He was really doing stuff. Moral of the story was guess what? We were out of clothes in a week. He was like I don't have enough clothing. What's going on?

Speaker 1:

I said, well, did you do the laundry? Well, I thought you were going to do it. Well, no, you said you did it 80% of the time, all the time, or 90, whatever it is. So I just assumed you were going to get it done. So he's like well, I'll get it done. I'm like okay, great, well. Well, he didn't do it that day because he had a basketball game, this that the other Comes back. Time goes by. He looks at me and he's like did you get the laundry done? I'm like what are you talking about? Like I legitimately told you he goes well, I thought I was going to get it done. You thought you were going to get it done. Well, get it done. And I still didn't do it and he had to start wearing other clothes because he didn't take action. That went on for an entire week, believe it or not, again Are you kidding me.

Speaker 1:

Still didn't do it and then came to me like, are you going to do laundry? I'm like, no, I'm not, I'm fine, I got plenty of clothes and I mean, but his action, his mind, he finally comes. He's like I guess I was lying to myself. I'm like I guess you were Go get all your stuff, pick it up, and here's the laundry room. But it was so interesting in his psyche of what he really thought he was going to get that done. He really thought he was doing it. He really saw himself being proactive all the time and I know it sounds crazy, but legitimately he was like stunned he didn't get it done.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

But yet when I didn't do it and it wasn't done and he finally had to live with it until he actually did it, it was a different story.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and that's kind of funny because my next question was what does it look like when someone is living out of alignment but thinks they're in integrity, and that is perfect, right, it's a total. But you know, as someone observing them, do you or do you not approach them with it? And in your case, you just let him figure it out.

Speaker 1:

Well, not only did I let him figure it out, because, see, for me it was just easy to throw stuff in because I didn't have full loads- yeah.

Speaker 1:

And as often you know how much I do laundry Like I, I'm not going to wait until I have two loads to do. So I was just that was my nature, right. So it was just easy to add his stuff in because it was already in the room. So therefore I just did it and then I would just fold everything and it was just. It was just gonna do my own small loads if I need to and just let his basket overflow till.

Speaker 1:

It's just everywhere, which you know also yeah drives me crazy because I can't stand clutter and all the things you know. So anyway, um, but to answer, it's just once it got to a point where they had to take responsibility, he still didn't know how to take responsibility.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

Which blew my mind.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and we were sort of talking about this earlier. And also, what I find is when people are living out of alignment but thinks they're in alignment and you do approach them with it, they get very angry.

Speaker 1:

Very, very quickly too Very quickly.

Speaker 2:

We had this experience at an event we recently attended where a lady was like hey, that statement you made is not true, yeah, and you backed up and kind of showed her the evidence in her own life and she was still very adamant that Well, she denied it.

Speaker 1:

And then once again she started in the conversation and the whole. We had a group of five people there and they're like, oh my God.

Speaker 2:

They're all agreeing, yeah. And then all of a sudden, legitimately.

Speaker 1:

I'm like, okay, you just stated it again in your conversation, here's where it's the truth. And showed her two times and both times, and then she was just getting more frustrated, and more frustrated, and I'm like it's okay, like we'll just leave it. But but everybody in the group was like, oh my gosh, how does she not see this? Like here's two full examples of what the truth was. But to her there was no way.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and lots of fingers pointing at me here, like there's been some times when he brought things up and I I do, and maybe want to fight you on it and say that's not the case, but honestly, if I sit with it for even a day, I'm like, oh, I can see it, I can see it now, yeah.

Speaker 1:

And I think all of us on certain things. Well, anyway, we could spend a lot of time on this, but we're all human.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Let's be clear. But I think being real with ourselves sometimes can be hard, because it's frustrating.

Speaker 2:

Well, it's just like we just said our brain wants to protect our identity, even if it's inaccurate.

Speaker 2:

So we're kind of fighting against ourselves a little bit there. So how do we get back into alignment and how do we know if the life we're living is actually the one we meant to create? Like, are we living in an illusion, right? So it starts with awareness, and not the kind you get from a podcast or a highlighter in a book, the kind that requires looking at the real data of your life and being willing to confront what it reveals. So you absolutely blew my mind these last two weeks with an exercise you came up with for some of your elite clients. But also, you know we're going to dive into a little with our we Play Full Out Life Mastery Experience. You want to describe that experiment?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so for me, I started just acting like I had a camera following me throughout the entire day and I thought, if somebody was creating a documentary of my life, what would they find out Like, how do I shower, how do I get up in the morning, when I go to bed, when I turn off the light, how do I fold my clothes, you know, like all these things. What would they actually write the documentary and what would it look like on my life? And would it be congruent with what I tell the world and what I say to the world? So, like you know, am I really doing the cold plunges, like I say I am? Am I really doing all the things that you know like? But would it be all documented to prove that what I'm saying, who I am being, would match what I really am doing? Right? So, the same thing, am I in alignment?

Speaker 1:

And it was just so fascinating when I started to do this and started to journal how there are certain things I'm like I'm off, I'm off, I mislead myself and I got to get back into it and I've also done this through profile tests and I think I'm living congruent to myself and then, all of a sudden, I get some of my tests back and it's like, no, you've adapted for the scenario you were in. And I'm like, oh my gosh, so I'm adapting to create myself into somebody else that I'm, not to fit my ecosystem. I'm like that's another good way. So I'm like, okay, here's certain things that I can go check on and start to get myself back into that true North star and alignment with myself.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so good. And I mean, when you first told me the concept I was like Whoa, it's intriguing and it's a little uncomfortable to think about, but it would really quickly expose the truth, how you're actually showing up, not just how you think you are.

Speaker 1:

Yep.

Speaker 2:

So, bart, if your life were secretly filmed this week, what scene would you be proud of, and which one would you delete?

Speaker 1:

Um, I would be proud of how we showed up and really did our communication and give our speeches and played full out. Probably the one I wouldn't be proud of is being frustrated with certain situations with my son and getting him to Dr West and follow up instead of just being totally energetic about it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I find that I think the things that I would be the least proud of are generally tied to how I'm energetically showing up, which is interesting. Yeah, do you think people are more afraid of failing or being exposed as out of integrity Cause you kind of said a statement there where the videographer was following you around, or whatever it's like? Ooh, am I being the person I say I'm being?

Speaker 2:

I, the videographer, was following you around, or whatever it's like Ooh am I being the person I say I'm being? I think there's both in that Like 50, 50.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think that they don't want to fail. At the same time, they don't want to let everybody down around them and if they were exposed they feel like that let everybody down. But what we know is authenticity is really the truth and the key to everything. Right, and we're all the same. But I think you know, I would say letting people down would outweigh the failing.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I do too. Just because while you were talking, I had the thought most of us can give each other grace and if we're trying and we're failing, it's one thing. But, if we're saying we're doing something and we're not, it's almost a little more deceitful, or something.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's like been an authentic brand. Or all of a sudden you find out that somebody really wasn't really a monk and they had been saying they've been a monk and or you know whatever it might be?

Speaker 2:

Or did you say, like just recently, a brand that had claimed like it was making clothing in Italy?

Speaker 1:

actually, Well, in China, right, when everything happened, with all the tariffs and everything like that, they were exposing all these brands that were saying they were XYZ, when reality is they were being made out of China and they started just wholesaling them and proving the point of the labels and all the stuff you know, and it was just so crazy to see these brands be the truth come out on them.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yep, there, it is Okay. So, like I said, we started this videographer exercise in our. We play full out life master experience and I'm really, really excited to see what everybody comes back with. One more question for you before we go into an action alignment audit for everybody All right. Can you fake it until you make it, or do your actions have to come from true alignment for it to work?

Speaker 1:

Well, I think there is some that if you do it certain ways, you can be manipulative and for a little bit of time it will work. So, for example, you know, somebody asked me at this event hey, if I bought a fake Louis Vuitton or fake this, that the other you know what do you think? Are you cool with that? And I said, you know what, no judgment for me, do whatever you want to do, because people may not, may know, may not, but I will tell you. You yourself and your energetic system will know and it will come across. And eventually you will be like, oh my gosh, I wish I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't want somebody to steal my stuff or to wear a knockoff of me or say that they knew me when they really didn't know me. And it was just like an aha moment in his face. You could just see it. He's just like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2:

Makes sense, makes sense, right yeah.

Speaker 1:

But we don't think of it that way all the time, and I understand why, yeah, that way all the time. And I understand why, yeah, but at the end of the day, um, so faking it till you make it is just that. Go buy the fake louis but see how you really truly feel and how it energetically sets you up.

Speaker 2:

And you know what, if you get lucky and some people bite off on it, great, you know, especially if you made it to where it's really the truth yeah but you're the one that has to sit and live with that and understand if it's going to work for you or not energetically, yeah, and you know we talk about kind of, I guess, alter ego type of stuff and we talk about stepping into the person you're becoming and some people kind of think that's faking it until you're making it, but in reality you're being aligned with who you want to be.

Speaker 1:

Well, not only that, it's still you.

Speaker 2:

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, like it's in alignment with you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Where if you're just like, oh, I'm going to go fake this thing or whatever, I don't really want it, but I'm going to pretend like I am or I'm going to be. You know there's a, we've talked. People try to knock off other people's products or services or like say what they say, but it never works because it's not actually them. That's right. But if they were in alignment with that message, if it was really really coming from them and they were really passionate about it, it's different.

Speaker 1:

Amen.

Speaker 2:

Right, yeah, okay. So here's a fun little exercise. It's called the action alignment audit For those of you who are fascinated with the idea of the Action Alignment Audit. For those of you who are fascinated with the idea of am I living the life that I think, I'm living and the first one is do this videographer experiment.

Speaker 2:

So what do my actions say about me? Just pretend like a videographer is following you around for the next seven days. Be hyper aware of your actions, how you spend your time, your money, what you eat, how you move, pay attention to your emotions and your energy, what kind of conversations you have in public and private, and how well you do or don't take care of yourself. And then just ask yourself if someone else had this data, who would they assume I am?

Speaker 1:

Yep, it's really cool.

Speaker 2:

Don't justify, just observe. Yeah, and even throw your camera out and just put it on and let it play, do it, start filming yourself, and then step number two would be to reconnect. Who am I becoming? Define your intended trajectory, so where do I?

Speaker 2:

want to be going, ask who is the future version of me I want to embody, and what traits does that person live out daily? And that becomes your North Star of who you want to be and the trajectory you want to be on. Step three would be to recalibrate what action proves it today, and that's how you close the gap. Choose one action it can be small but meaningful that aligns with your ideal identity. It might be just 15 minutes of writing, it might be giving someone a genuine compliment, or it might be saying no to something you usually say yes to. When you do this consistently, your life begins to match your vision.

Speaker 1:

It might be just buying your wife a 15 minute massage.

Speaker 2:

Oh, you did that, bart did that, everybody.

Speaker 1:

Just to show her you love her. It was so sweet.

Speaker 2:

Okay, and that is it for the audit. So you know, at the end of the day, you are building a life one action at a time, not with who you hope to be, but with what you actually do. So ask yourself what story are my actions telling? And if it's not the one I want to be living, what's the very next line I need to write?

Speaker 1:

That's so good.

Speaker 2:

Anything else you want to add to that? Mm-mm. Okay, on to life updates. So this week we came to American Fork, utah. We spoke at a two-day branding event hosted by our friend, ray Perez. We spoke about style, which was super fun, and also why your, why is not optional? Yep was super fun, and also why your, why is not optional? Yep, um, I have a hair appointment in salt lake tomorrow, so we've had a little bit of downtime today. We got to do a lot of things.

Speaker 1:

you want to talk about what we did today today we got up, we played some pickleball with ghost pickleball and taylor james Cameron, which was absolutely awesome. Then from there, we went over and visited one of our friends, inga, chatted with her, talked about some different things, which was absolutely beautiful, and then from there we went to meet some other friends, xander and Megan.

Speaker 1:

And then we chatted with them for a while about life and had some ice cream. And then we went and saw my amazing daughter and our amazing daughter should say um, kenya Sage, and looked at. Not only we had dinner together and enjoyed some music, but then we went and looked at her amazing sewing stuff that she's doing right now and then we bought some of her stuff for our amazing little Sunny Miller, yep. And so check her out, kenya Sage, but it's Sage.

Speaker 2:

It's Sewn by Sage on.

Speaker 1:

Instagram yeah, sewn by Sage. If you want something, messages, we'll get you all lined out, but she's just sewing her little fingers off and it looks so good, it looks so good and she has built such a cute brand and so he's doing that. Then I got to look at my son-in-law's new gun stuff that he's doing and he's wanting to. He's already started to practice for competitive shooting and doing that, so it was fun spending time with him and that's been pretty much our day. Now we're back here recording the podcast.

Speaker 2:

Yes, we're back here recording the podcast. Yes, we are. And side note on Kenya, she will be launching her brand at her first farmer's market on June 30th Monday in Springville, utah. So if you're in the area.

Speaker 2:

I'm sure she would absolutely love your support, even if you just came and said hi, amen, and let's see. Xander and I finally got our act together for the summer and we finally went to lessons again. So I went to piano, he went to saxophone Always good to get back into the groove of things. I know I had to do it.

Speaker 1:

That's so good.

Speaker 2:

We had our I Do Epic Elite Mastermind call on Tuesday. We discussed content creation and workflows and how to use AI to help speed up the process of creating content in Reels, and our iDoEpic Elite Execution and Networking group has been reading Gary Vee's book Day Trading Attention how to Actually Build Brand and Sales in the New Social Media World. We have a challenge going on. We're going to see who got the most organic views posted this month on any social media platform. Super stoked I think that's it for us.

Speaker 1:

Awesome, well, big times, good times and all the fun stuff. So thank you for listening to the podcast. Please, if you feel like this is a value to somebody else, will you please pass it on? We would greatly appreciate it. Without you, the listener, and without this growing, you know what we can't touch as many lives as we want to. So we appreciate you and are grateful for you listening. Also, this segment brought to you by I Do Epic.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Bart Miller

Host
Head Shot

Sunny Miller

Host