We Play Full Out with Bart and Sunny

When Life Takes Your Cookies, Take Back the Damn Jar: How to Free Yourself From Mental Traps in an Instant

Bart and Sunny Miller Season 1 Episode 68

Ever feel like life sucker-punched you and then left you stuck in your own head? Feeling powerless? Like a failure? Feel like you are losing yourself? Wondering if anything is even worth it anymore?

In this episode, we discuss the Prospect Theory and the core human driver of autonomy can give you the one tiny shift (yep—just one) that can snap you out of mental traps, rewire how you see everything, and put you back in control—without changing a single external thing. 

Featuring powerful stories (a subway ride, a cookie thief, a broken pencil, and a near-suicidal moment that flipped everything), this one’s for anyone who’s ever felt stuck, powerless, or like they’re losing themselves. If you’re ready to shift your reality and reclaim your power, this episode is your sign.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to. We Play Full Out with Bart and Sunny Miller. Let's rock this.

Speaker 2:

Let's rock and roll. Oh yeah, there is a kind of pain that is deeper than frustration, a kind of exhaustion that's beyond tired.

Speaker 1:

Whoa.

Speaker 2:

A kind of hopelessness that makes you question what's the point of even trying anymore. If you've been there, you know. Maybe it was a business failure that blindsided you. You feel powerless. You don't know what to do to fix it and you start to feel like it's not the business that's a failure, but you. Maybe it was waking up, looking in the mirror and hating what you saw. You want to lose weight but feel powerless, like you're trapped in a cycle of failed diets, self-criticism and frustration. Maybe it was sitting at the dinner table with your family trying to act normal, while inside you felt like you were slowly disappearing. You feel again powerless, like no matter what you do, you can't fix yourself. When life isn't going the way we expected, we start to feel like we've lost control, and when we feel powerless for too long, it can break us.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it starts a spiral, for sure us. Yeah, it starts a spiral, for sure it does.

Speaker 2:

But what if we told?

Speaker 1:

you, you haven't actually lost control at all. I love it Right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we've been there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, oh man.

Speaker 2:

That gut punch moment when we felt like we thought was control, slip away, leaving us stuck, drained or questioning everything. It's rough, but it's not the end of the road.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, even though we think it is.

Speaker 2:

Even though we think it is, and that is the key point of all of this. We're going to talk about how two brilliant minds and a cookie-loving poet showed us how to turn it around.

Speaker 1:

Ooh, that's a great little hook right there, right yeah.

Speaker 2:

Okay, we're going to talk about something called the prospect theory. This is very fascinating. In 1981, Daniel Kahneman and Amos Versky revealed something shocking. Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down?

Speaker 1:

I'm sitting down and I'm so excited. I love prospecting. Let's go.

Speaker 2:

The way information is framed, not the facts themselves, determines our choices and our decisions.

Speaker 1:

Very cool.

Speaker 2:

So we're going to break that down.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

It's really important. Imagine you're considering surgery.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

The odds are exactly the same, but the doctor presents the odds in two different ways. Scenario number one says this surgery has a 90% survival rate.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

That sounds reassuring.

Speaker 1:

It does.

Speaker 2:

You focus on the high chance of survival Because it's framed as a positive or a gain. You feel safe and are more likely to proceed with the surgery. Your brain's saying 90% success, that's pretty good, let's go for it. So gain framing makes us risk averse. We prefer the safer, more certain option. Now scenario number two. This surgery has a 10% chance of death.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, same thing.

Speaker 2:

It's the same thing, but it sounds terrifying it does. You focus on the risk of dying, not the 90% chance of survival. Because it's framed as a negative or a loss, your brain perceives it as much riskier than it actually is. The brain says, wait, 10% chance of dying. That sounds dangerous. Do I really need the surgery? Are there other options? And then, what loss framing does is it makes us more likely to seek alternatives, even if they're riskier Interesting.

Speaker 2:

That is prospect theory in action. When something is framed as a gain, we play it safe and accept the option. When something is framed as a loss, we feel fear and may take riskier actions to avoid the outcome, like skipping the surgery or looking for alternative treatments. And this is super important in our everyday lives. But just a side note if you're a marketer, if you're in business, you need to be aware of how you're framing your product or service.

Speaker 1:

It's got to feel like a game. It really does.

Speaker 2:

Can I also say something here? Yes, please, I think it's interesting.

Speaker 1:

It just hit me. It's like when I'm playing a game in competition versus just playing a game. It frames it totally different in my head.

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

It's interesting, okay, cool.

Speaker 2:

It's all about the frame. We think we're in control of our choices, but we're actually being led by the way we see the situation. By the way we see the situation, we don't make decisions based on logic. We make decisions based on how a situation is framed.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so if how a situation is framed can change how we feel about it, then what does that mean for the moments in life when we feel completely powerless?

Speaker 1:

Well, that's good, because obviously I think I know where you're going with that?

Speaker 2:

Yep, it means that we're never actually powerless. We just feel that way when our sense of control is taken from us. So that brings us to a big word called autonomy, our deep psychological need to feel like we have control over our lives. Because when we feel like we're the ones in the driver's seat, we don't just survive hard times, we rise above them. This is one of our core drivers. So at our core, we all crave autonomy, the ability to steer our own ship. Psychologists call it a fundamental human drive, thanks to self-determination theory. Because when we feel in control of our choices, we feel confident, capable and purposeful. But when the control is stripped away once again, when life blindsides us with failure, uncertainty or loss, we don't just stumble, we feel lost. But here's the good news Autonomy isn't about controlling everything. It's about reclaiming the one thing you always own your perspective.

Speaker 1:

So good. I love everything about this because this also is just like being in our magnetic program. In so many ways it's finding your autonomy through another way right. But it's just reframing certain things, so it's so good Love it.

Speaker 2:

This is where prospect theory is a game changer. If the way something is framed can shift your emotions in an instant, then you have the power to reframe your reality right now this second. It's very powerful so good. You don't have to wait for external circumstances to change to feel in control again. You just have to take back the lens you're looking through. So if you feel stuck right now, this may be the shift that you need.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

So we're going to talk about four stories that prove perspective can change everything. Wow, we'll start with your story, bart. Okay, you've got an amazing story about when you were at your breaking point and the voice that changed everything.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I do actually. So you know, we, sonny and I, had been through a lot. I uh just so many things that the story could take forever, so I'll shorten it down. But bottom line is is I was literally at my wits end. I'd lost everything. I had invested more time, energy and effort into a new business. I was borrowed everything and I just felt like everything was my fault, literally like business failure, failure at home, failure with my kids, failure with just everything I was doing. I was taking full responsibility and owning that, but in doing all that I just my perspective was this has got to end and the only way it ends is by me ending. So it made me very, very, very suicidal at that point in time.

Speaker 1:

And if you don't know me very well, I am one of those that if the neighbor's dog needs shot and they can't do it, I'm the guy that does it for them.

Speaker 1:

So it's never been a problem for me, and I don't mean that in a good or a bad way, but I'm the guy that even my own dog, if it's in a bad situation, I can still put it down.

Speaker 1:

I don't need to call the neighbor, and as tough as that is, I've always been able to do that, and I just tell you that because I was laying there myself ready to do that horrific thing to myself, and as I laid in that moment in my life, I'd hired a lot of different mentors, a lot of coaches, and when I hire a coach or a mentor, I'm the guy that's always like I don't want sugarcoated, I want it to be hard, I want it to be what I need to know to get to that next level, and so I really demand a lot from people I surround myself with so that I can become what I feel like a better version of me. You know if I feel value in that? And as I laid there, I just had this amazing voice come in my head and said you know, basically you'll hire all these other mentors, but when I, god or universe decide to mentor you, you get mad and decide to kill yourself and I was like what you mean.

Speaker 1:

I have the ultimate of all ultimate mentors trying to mentor me and I'm laying here crying about it and I'm laying here in like full on pity party and I'm like going to do this horrific thing and, man, it was like instant energy that just shifted in my body and I'm like hell, no, this is not happening and I am going to get out there and thank you for bringing this to my light, mentor and I'm going to do what you've asked me to do and I'm going to get after it and let's go. And from that day forward, I have just absolutely been relentless in the pursuit of what the universe has in store for me. So powerful, thank you.

Speaker 2:

And let's be clear, nothing external changed it.

Speaker 1:

No, nothing external, nothing in my life changed in that moment, and I can't say, as I got up, and there was a miracle that happened, because there wasn't, but there was all in the same time. But there was all in the same time. So it was the paradigm shift, the mental shift, the everything. I needed, though, in that moment to find the power that lived inside of me, the energy that was brewing, to be able to say I got this, got this.

Speaker 2:

Oh good, okay, Another story the man on the subway.

Speaker 1:

You want me to tell that one or you got that one.

Speaker 2:

Go ahead.

Speaker 1:

I'd love for you to.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if I'll tell it exactly, like you have it here, but so there's a man on the subway and he was in Japan, let's say, for example and he walks onto the subway and it might be New York, think, whatever subway you want and uh, he walks in, he's super busy, got lots going on, high profile individual, and he sits down and as he sits down he walks, sees a gentleman walking on with his children, his two kids, and uh, he walks on and this gentleman sits right next to this individual and as he sits down, the young kids just start going crazy and I mean out of control.

Speaker 1:

On the train they're running up and down, knocking papers out of people's hands. As a matter of fact, they knocked the gentleman's book out of his hands that he's reading two different times and he is getting rage inside and he's trying to be calm, he's trying to be nice and everybody around is getting a little bit irritated by these two wonderful children. And so, as he sat there, he finally the gentleman is like I've got to say something and obviously they're upset at the father for not controlling.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, everybody's a little pissed at the father.

Speaker 2:

It's not just the kids they're mad at him Come on, dude, totally Like step up.

Speaker 1:

So finally this gentleman looks over to the dad with as nice as he could possibly be and says sir, sir. And the gentleman looks over at him and goes hey, can you please get your kids under control? I'm kind of at my wits end. And the dad stopped with tears in his eyes and he looked at this gentleman and he said I would love to, I just don't know how to. Their mother died today and I just don't know how to stop him right now.

Speaker 1:

And in that moment the gentleman sitting next to this wonderful man with the two kids got tears in his eyes and he looked at him and he said it's going to be okay. But in that moment he had a realization that he had no idea what was going on around him all the time, only his view and his lens of what he was perceiving, what was going through his energetic system. And he made a real commitment to himself that he would sit and try to figure out, or ask the right questions to figure out what was going on in that amazing life the right questions to figure out what was going on in that amazing life.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's so easy to be judgmental, but how quickly that can turn to compassion when we're willing to try to see another point of view or paradigm shift. And that's other people, but that's ourselves too.

Speaker 1:

It is and it's so powerful because I've been there, done that, yeah, been there, done that, you know, and can't say as I haven't because I have. And it is one of those moments that sometimes you could regret, you know. Another moment you're super happy about, you know. Another side note was I'll never forget the moment that I was driving down the road and had a paradigm shift of one of my friends that I ride bikes with, you know, ride with them all the time, and yet we didn't want to ride on certain days because we knew, if we rode together, we were good enough friends that it was like, hey, we're going to ride, great, but ended up being in a competition and then when we would ride with our other friends, we were both dead and they were fresh, you know. So it's kind of this underwritten rule that we just didn't ride together, you know. And I'll just never forget the moment that I had this just impression to text that friend and I was like what, I do not want to ride with him today and I just I don't. And all of a sudden it was like no, you need to text and ask him if he'll ride today. And all of a sudden it was like, no, you need to text and ask him if he'll ride today. And I was like, okay.

Speaker 1:

So I pulled over, I sent a text and ask him if he wanted to ride that day. No response back. So I was like, okay, obviously I was at it. You know I wasn't thinking right. That was crazy on my part, but at the same time, grateful that you know whatever? No big deal. So as the day went on, sonny and I went out to dinner that night with a couple of other of our cycling friends and the first thing that my other friend asked me, he says hey, did you hear about our friend today? And I said no, what happened? He goes, he decided to commit suicide. But your text was the very last text that he got and I just, you know, in that moment wish I could have changed his paradigm to see a different lens, see the different power that laid inside of him. But that being said, I was grateful that in that moment I asked the question to myself should I send the text? And I did, I took action. So anyway.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I love this little poem.

Speaker 1:

Cool, then share it with us.

Speaker 2:

I feel like it's really easy to see myself in this one. It's called the Cookie Thief Poem and it's often or used to be oftenly shared by Wayne Dyer, and it's a brilliant example of how our assumptions can be completely wrong and how a single shift in perspective, once again, can change everything. Let's go. Here's how the poem goes. Okay, a woman was waiting at an airport one night. It was several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shop, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

Speaker 2:

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see that the man beside her, as bold as could be, grabbed a cookie or two from the bag. In between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene, she munched cookies and watched the clock as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking if I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye With each cookie she took. He took one too. When only one was left. She watched what he'd do With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh. He took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half as he ate the other. She snatched it from him and thought oh brother, this guy has some nerve and he's so rude why he didn't even show any gratitude. She had never known when she had been so galled and sighed with relief.

Speaker 2:

When her flight was called, she gathered her belongings, headed for the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane and sank in her seat, then reached in her bag to find something to eat. She gasped with surprise. There, her cookies lay untouched. Untouched and neatly in place. If mine are here, she moaned with despair. Then the others were his and he tried to share. Too late to apologize. She realized with grief that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

Speaker 2:

What an instant shift in reality. One second you're so mad you think you're being taken advantage of of, and the next you realize you were the one doing the thing that you thought someone else was doing right, oh man, oh man so she was so certain she was a victim of a selfish thief. But the moment, the exact second, that new information appeared, she reality was flipped on its head. Yeah, once again the problem wasn't the man, the problem was her perspective.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so crazy, isn't it?

Speaker 2:

Yes, okay, one more story, and I absolutely love this one. Okay, broken, sharpened and unstoppable. And again, I feel like this one and your story are the two most powerful, for, wow, I'm in the middle of something right now. I'm having a really hard time and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

Speaker 1:

Do you want me to tell this one? Yes, with your intensity, with my intensity. Yes, all right. So I got invited.

Speaker 1:

If you guys don't know, we own a makeup school called the Robert Jones Beauty Academy and that happens to be private labeled for a Paul Mitchell schools nationwide, and so Paul Mitchell brings in a lot of different trainers, experts and motivational things to a lot of their events, and we get invited to all those events as a vendor of theirs. And so I attended this event and there happened to be a speaker there that I was listening to and, as a speaker walked in, you could tell that he was handicapped in several ways, but he was very, very and I mean very decorated soldier, and I wish I could remember his name. I've got pictures with him but I need to look him up. But he was one of the most decorated soldiers that uh had been in war and uh, long story short, he was uh over his regime and, um, he was flying home the next day and decided to do one last mission while he was there with his guys and then he was going to fly home.

Speaker 1:

So they went, they did everything exactly as everything was supposed to go. I mean, everything was on track. They, you know, everything's great. Anyway, long story short, he walks out, he takes two final steps of everything being cleared and there happened to be a bomb. And he ended up waking up in the United States not as expected but as expected, and he was laying in a hospital bed in the United States looking around wanting to pull everything out of him. Could not believe he was in a hospital bed and was missing three limbs.

Speaker 2:

Oh.

Speaker 1:

Now think about this. He was a man of decorated colors, a hero on his last mission, only to wake up with an entire, entire new life. As he laid there, he said I was so angry at life. I was angry at everybody. He said a nurse would walk in. I would, just, I was the meanest person. There was Doctors, everybody goes. I just, I did not want to live. Put me out of my misery and just put a bullet in my head. I'm done. But he said, inside of me, he goes. The rage was so strong because I had had all these dreams and all these things. I'd served my country, I had done everything I could do. Yet the very last day, here I am.

Speaker 1:

And so there was a lot of people that found out about this story and they sent him a lot of amazing, amazing gifts and gratitude and all these things. And this young school class, uh, sent him some gifts with coloring and with some pencils and, uh, this little Hispanic lady was in charge of not only being a nurse, but she was kind of taking care of all the gifts, the flowers, things to that nature, nurse. But she was kind of taking care of all the gifts, the flowers, things to that nature and she walked in and she saw him and he said she looked at my eyes and I unloaded on this poor little Hispanic lady and she looked at me. She looked at a box next to me. She reached in and grabbed a pencil and a pencil sharpener and she looked at me and she said you have no opportunity to do anything to me right now. You might be a decorated soldier, you might be one of the toughest men that has ever walked the face of the earth, but I am going to show you something that I think you need to learn. And he said I sat there and he goes. I was like what in the world?

Speaker 1:

And in her broken English, she looked me in the eyes and she took that pencil and she snapped it in half and she said this is you, you have been snapped in half. And she said this is you, you have been snapped in half. And he looked at her and she took that pencil sharpener and she says what's going to happen now is I'm going to stick one end in here. She didn't say it that way, but like I'm going to start to sharpen you. She goes now I want you to think about this in life. You're being sharpened and he goes it hurts and right now you're in so much pain, so much, everything, but it hurts.

Speaker 1:

And she sharpened one end and she goes then you're going to find that that pain is going to relieve. And then she turned the other end around and he's like no, don't do it. And started to sharpen it. And then you're going to find the other is going to. And then she took the third end and she did the exact same thing and she goes universe and God brought you to this moment to sharpen you. And you've been blessed because you get to get sharpened on three ends, where one of us only get to get sharpened on one end. And then, as adults, you're going to find other pain. That's going to happen, it's going to be, but if you keep on top of it, you can refine the sharpening and keep it really sharp. And she said you are meant for more, you are meant for greater, and the universe and God knew that and that's why this happened. So get over your pity party and let's get sharpening you now. And he said I looked at that lady and she was probably the best drill sergeant that had ever stood in front of me, and with tears in my eyes and tears in her eyes.

Speaker 1:

As she gave me this amazing example, I changed everything and I realized I was being sharpened. And I got up and that day I decided I was going to run a marathon. I decided I was going to be here today through the pain, through the struggle to change the world, as a soldier on the other end and help people. And he had such an amazing story and it was beautiful to listen to, but he praised the little Hispanic lady that broke the pencil. This is a man that stood with the presidents of the United States, stood with the most elite soldiers in the world, was trained by the best, yet the number one trainer became a little Hispanic lady that broke the pencil. So good.

Speaker 2:

So you can see directly how an instant shift in your perspective, your paradigm, changes your entire reality.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and so many times it's hard to see those and somebody on the outside has to give you perspective or look at you and know what lays inside of you and is determined to bring that out in you. And so when you find those key individuals, praise them, don't what's the right. I want to say bray, or like every other word, braid them. That's the word I'm looking for. And in that moment let's be clear he did not want to listen to that little gal.

Speaker 2:

No.

Speaker 1:

He did not want to listen to that little gal. But we all have these opportunities and just know that, like Sunny just said, perspective is everything.

Speaker 2:

Yep, how we frame the information that we have.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we have no idea what's ahead of us. None, and that's why it's so critical that we live in the moment.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and in that same regard, like we don't have any clue what's ahead of us. But so many of us, because our brains are wired for negativity, we imagine negative things instead of positive.

Speaker 1:

Exactly right.

Speaker 2:

So let's start imagining positive, let's go All right. So, just to wrap it up, here's the takeaway. You may feel trapped right now, but what if you're just looking at the situation from the wrong angle or the wrong lens? You may feel like life is taking from you, but what if it's handing you exactly what you need to lens? You may feel like life is taking from you, but what if it's handing you exactly what you need to grow? You may feel like the victim of a situation, but what if you're the one holding the cookies?

Speaker 2:

Perspective is power, and the good news is, once again, you don't need to change your situation to reclaim it. You just need to change the way you see it, because the shift doesn't fix the mess. It fixes you, and that's where the real one lives. So next time life is messing with you and it will your goals might be stalling, your cookies might be vanishing. Ask yourself what's my frame? Am I stuck or am I just mid-story? What's another way to look at this? What if this situation is setting me up instead of breaking me down? What if I already have what I need? I just haven't realized it, because when life takes your cookies, it's time to take back the damn. I'm not saying this, right, that's good, let me be more Go ahead.

Speaker 1:

It's such a good statement yeah.

Speaker 2:

Because when life takes your cookies, it's time to take back the damn jar. That's right, let's go there you go Okay, so we're on to life updates. So, before you go on to life updates, I just want to say one last thing.

Speaker 1:

So one of the things that you'll find in a lot of high performers and I feel like myself is is I have a statement that says put me in coach. Yep, I always say that Put me in coach when things are the toughest, when things are like you just don't think you're going to win Like, for example, sonny and I were in a pickleball latch match last night. Yep, same example. Right, we were down one to 10 and I'm like you know what Put me in coach, let's go, I got this. You know, I want to be that guy and that lady. I want everybody to feel that power of put me in coach. I can do this. If you'll let me play the game. I will play full out. We play full out, right?

Speaker 1:

So, put me in, coach. I want this. I know it's going to be tough, I know it's frustrating, but you can count on me. I will find the energy. I will find the energy, I will fight the battle. I am there when it needs to be there. And if you watch, like a lot of pro athletes, you watch a lot of different people. When the things and the odds are against you, they raise their hand, they run to the fire, they run to the battle and say coach, I got this and so I. Just the little statement you can use that's my statement, if you want is put me in coach.

Speaker 2:

I love that.

Speaker 1:

You know so when it's, if you're in this moment and you're saying that to yourself, just know when you sign up to be put in, go all out, go all out. Don't wait because you're in, coach will put you in because he knows that you can dig deep, dig deep. Put me in. Coach. Love that Life updates.

Speaker 2:

Well, we're sitting here in Boise, idaho, right now. We're attending a three-day event all about how to get organic leads. In a way, I guess, yes, organic leads with DMs.

Speaker 1:

Yep Flow chat. Big shout out to you let's go, yep.

Speaker 2:

We're learning a lot of great stuff and are actually. I was pretty blown away by the statistics of converting sales through DMS versus any other platform.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it was pretty amazing.

Speaker 2:

It's still quite a structure and quite a process to learn, but time well spent.

Speaker 1:

Really good system.

Speaker 2:

And then your pickleball tournament partner, matt fruit, lives in Boise. So let's go, matt you have played twice with him so far. Are you going to be competing next weekend in St George?

Speaker 1:

the.

Speaker 2:

PPA tour. Yep, that is exciting and that's kind of all I've got right now. You got about 10 minutes before we're supposed to be at the event. So let's go, we've been, we've been chatting so well.

Speaker 1:

I just want to say we're grateful for everything. The listeners and we're so grateful for you out there in all that you do for us. So if you find this is powerful or important for somebody, please share this with somebody If it'll make a difference in where they're at, and we're grateful for you know the capacities that we have to be put in coach. So thank you universe, thank you God, thank you for our wonderful life that Sonny and I have, and we bless all of you this day in your struggles, that you will find the things that you're looking for and that you will know that you have peace around you and with that, this segment brought to you by I Do Epic.

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